the awakening

warning: picture overload

Months ago I got an email from my cousin Carson inviting me on "the trip of a lifetime". Three days backpacking in the "fairied motherland of Rae Jean Davis". As a child, my grandma Davis would spend summers at her grandparents in Escalante, Utah. I've heard lovely stories about summers spent horseback riding, visiting posey lake, and spending time with her grandparents (and the local boys her age...in case you wonder where I get it). Years ago my whole extended family went to Escalante and actually stayed in my great-great-grandparents house that we rented out for visit. Cool, right? So even though Escalante is in the middle of no where, it's a special place to me.
When Carson sent the email full of beautiful pictures of red rocks and arches and rivers and waterfalls, I committed to go. I got work off...all the while having no idea what I was getting myself into.
We left after work on Thursday and got into camp at about 2 am. It was freezing, and Carson and Olivia were nice enough to set up camp. We went straight to bed, and with it being pitch black outside, I had no idea where we were.

We woke the next morning in Devils Garden, and after breakfast hiked around a bit. We thought it was so cool. We thought we were so cool (or was that just me?)

From Devils Garden, we drove to the slot canyons. Again, I had no clue what I was getting into, but I thought that me and my chacos were ready. We hiked down into the canyon and this is what was waiting for us...

Carson had done these slot canyons before, and he also knows the size of my hips, so I trusted that I would survive.

It was tricky at times, and for sure challenging-- but soooo cool! I still giggle a little bit when I look at these pictures. I really did that! We climbed up peek-a-boo slot canyon-- this is us after we climbed our way out--

again, you may think that we are a little too proud of ourselves. if you're thinking that, you should be ashamed of yourself. just kidding. but still, we were really proud and thought we were beyond cool. from here we hiked over to climb down spooky canyon (do i call it spooky canyon? or spooky slot canyon? or just spooky? I'll never learn...) while we were walking linds and I talked about a slew of things, one of which was a book that she recently read called "The Awakening". I think it was about women's rights or something, but it was quickly made the tag line of our trip. THE AWAKENING. Beth's awakening. More on this later....

our fearless and sexy leaders

lest you think it was a easy trek down spooky, there were several times I'd come up to something like this, and was just supposed to climb down that? I feel like it required alot of thinking on my part, trying to figure our how my short legs and wide hips would make it down things like this and around corners. 

dont worry, we also came upon this beauty-- we called it the birth canal (sorry if thats gross or offensive). at this point we had already coined "the awakening" so it was easy to jump right into rebirth. A new Beth. Luckily Carson was on the other side to help with the drop once I shimmied my bod through there. Seriously.

(my face in this picture is priceless. can you tell what i'm thinking? and no, i'm not crying...yet)

and then we hiked out....

...back to the car for lunch. I think this is by far the most delicious open face tuna sandwich I've ever tasted.

This is when we started packing our packs. Carsons advice was to pack alot, and then when we got there we could evaluate the weather and bring what we needed. Smart, right? We drove to our trailhead and off we went. This was the first time in my life hiking with a pack. I don't even think I was wearing it correctly at this point, but my chacos look cool, right?

and then we hiked....

.....across these rocks....for hours. This is when it gets sad. We had accidentally started at the wrong trailhead and ended up in the wrong spot (like couldn't get down into the canyon wrong spot).

So we turned around and hiked back to the car. That's when I started crying against my will. My feet hurt. It was hot. My back hurt. I was tired. And now we had to go hike to our real camping spot for the night on some cliff. It was getting dark. But guess what, we did it. I tied on my tennis shoes and we hiked until it got dark. We found the perfect little camping spot and I ate the most delicious ramen ever made. Seriously. 

We packed up and headed to the cliff where we were going to hike down through a crack in the wall. 

We lowered our packs down....

Do I look contemplative? Wonder what I'm looking at??

KABLAM. 

Again, I was a little overwhelmed.

can you spot an arch?? 

We finally got down to the river (I think it was called Calf Creek?). We called this the Garden of Eden because it was green and pretty! 

And then we found the most stellar camping spot of all time:

Thank the dear heavens for this camp. It was soft cool sand, so we took our shoes off and walked around barefoot. We left our packs and headed out on our hike up to Jacob Hamblin Arch. The afternoon was spent in and out of river...

Coyote Arch

We finally made it!! It was as grand as Carson said it would be.

And just like that we headed back to camp. We got there before dark, giving us just enough time to filter some water and make some dinner. Our little campsite sat up on the bank of some petrified sand, and some smarty pants backpackers that came before us had carved chairs into the edge of it. This is me sitting in my magic chair. We called it "Jace" because thats who's name was carved into the chair. "Elle" wasn't nearly as comfortable. If i hadn't been concerned about being cold or wild animals, I would have slept right there.

Carson even made us popcorn for an evening treat-- fancy, right? I was a happy girl.

The next morning we woke up to hike out. Knowing we hiked alllll the way down into the canyon on soft sand made me more than nervous. That was the only way out...hiking up a huge mountain of soft beachy sand. Slow and steady wins the race, and with Carsons help (he came back down after he finished and took my pack and hiked up the rest of the way with me-- can you say lifesaver?) WE MADE IT BACK TO THE TOP! I gave a riveting "awakening" speech, and then it was back through crack in the wall and on our way to the car.

It was so nice to talk with Linds as we crossed the rocky terrain. It was slow paced, and we talked about what we had learned about ourselves on this trip. Olivia joked at one point that there sure was alot of symbolism on this trip. Seriously though, we had a parallel for everything- from awakening to rebirth. I realized I can do hard things. Things I don't like. Things I would rather not do. And even if it's hard, or challenging, or painful, I can still accomplish those things and feel good about my effort. It exhausting, but worth it.

We finished! This is us at the trailhead after all was said and done. Like how my hands are on the buckle? I think my pack was off in about 3 seconds and I had my shoes off in about 5. I was a happy girl to sit in that car.

We drove into Escalante to see our family home. It's more run down than I remember, but it's still standing. (for the record, I'm talking about the house, not us. I know we look run down, but we're not that bad, right? Maybe you'd say differently if you'd seen us limping over there to take that picture!)

And then we went to Nemos (just a local burger place) that by some miracle was open on Sunday. Carson got the largest hamburger ever made. We ate onion rings and chicken fingers and...wait for it... they had good ice. I almost wept. Carson went back and got me my own big cup for the road-- now that's love.

And there you have it. I still can't believe it happened. If I didn't have blisters and a wicked limp, I'd question these pictures. Everyone keeps asking, "so how was it?" 

It was hard. I hated parts of it. I loved parts of it. The company was exceptional. It was challenging. It was scary at times. My body hated me. My feet hurt. I hate chacos. It was beautiful. The weather was perfect. I learned alot about myself, emotionally. I learned my body can do things I didn't think it could. I would like to say I learned a little bit about backpacking. I ate trail mix and dehydrated eggs and ham.

It was the trip of a lifetime.

So long Escalante.

In case you're wondering, my next trip will be to CITY CREEK. I think I'll buy a sandwich and sit next to that little babbling brook and reminisce about "the awakening".

my mom is cooler than your mom

 If you know me at all, you know I like a good craft. I owe every crafty bone in my body to my mother-- the ultimate crafter. now that she has a little more time on her hands, she started quilting with a local quilting store that has a monthly square until you have a surprise finished product. She had this much done when I was home in January before Beb left on her mission. Impressive, right? I continue to learn more and more about my mother the older I get. She is one of the most kind and most talented people I know-- from the kitchen to the sewing machine, to book clubs to being a listening ear. If I turn out to be just like my mom, I'll be one lucky lady  :)

challenge

today starts my 90 day challenge. my challenge to eat better, exercise more and hopefully end up in a smaller pant size with more energy. remember that one time i signed up for a half marathon last year, didn't train, finished it anyways and then swore i would never do that again? i'm all about proving myself wrong, i guess. i've signed up for the same exact race, but already seem more prepared than last time. i know the course, and for some reason knowing that i've completed it once before makes me feel a little bit of confidence that maybe i can do it again. (fingers crossed)

i also have a hiking trip planned. i know, i know, i don't even like hiking. can you believe i actually took time off work and am driving hours away to camp and wear a pack and hike around. i hear the view is pretty great. don't worry, i'll be taking pictures.

i'll try to keep you posted on this 90 day challenge business. it's one of those things that starts out being personal, and by the end i want to shout it from the rooftops. i'm excited to track my progress and see change, and i'll be excited if you want to join me! 

something about the sun being out just gets me excited for change. get rid of the snow-- green trees, flowers, blue skies. there is change in the air, and i love it!!

spring forward

sometimes i write very long posts --spilling my guts-- and then i delete them. and then i sit here and stare at an empty screen and think about how i have nothing to write. i'm trying so hard to make this blog what it was before, and then i get frustrated with myself when i can't puts any thoughts or experiences on here without thinking that i'm sharing too much.
i'm starting to realize that this blog is different now, and for good reason. i'm different now. it's been a weird road for me to realize that i'm different, and a little convincing for me to say that its a good different and not a depressing different.
i read other friends blogs-- friends with kids and husbands. mothers and wives are needed in a way that i'm just not. and thats ok, its just different. i like to read about how my friends are potty training their kids and learning to be parents. i love watching my friends in new phases of life, and sometimes i wish i was in that same phase of life. and then i remember that i really am happy with my current life.
then i read other blogs or see facebook pages of friends who are going on trips and going to parties. i get tired just looking at their pictures. how do they have so much energy? do they really like all those people in all of those pictures? are they really even friends with all those people? i get exhausted, and then i feel old. but then i remember that i really am very happy with the newest version of myself.
here's a few random facts about the newest beth that you might not know:
1. if i had my choice i would be in bed sound asleep before 10:30 every single night. maybe even on weekends.
2. i hate my current kitchen. i love to cook and would do it on a much more regular basis if i had a different kitchen.
3. i like nuts now. in fact, i eat almonds on a regular basis. ok fine, let's just say i like almonds because those are actually the only kind of nuts i like....but still, that's a big deal people.
4. i like small groups better. i remember a time where i loved having my house packed full of people wandering in and out of rooms, getting food from the fridge like it was their house, music playing and a handful of conversations i could join. don't get me wrong.... i still like a good party but i'm much more comfortable now in a smaller group.
5. number 4 might be partly because i get distracted way too easily. i thought it was bad before, but now it's really really bad. and then i forget, which basically means that things dont get done, or conversations don't get finished, and so on. it basically makes me look like i've really got my stuff together, you know, all those ducks in a row. basically, the smaller the group, the more focused i am. focus is good.

and in case you're wondering, theres some good old things that havent changed (and probably never will...)
1. i'm so disorganized. this is basically a very nice way of saying my bedroom is constantly a mess. the fact that i rarely make my bed also plays into that, but oh well.
2. i still eat ice. my mom called this week concerned about my teeth. she wants me to see our family dentist next time i'm home. (i'm actually horribly nervous about this. will blog about feelings soon)
3. i still hate the winter. i still love the summer. i'm very very happy that it is spring. the snow is melting. the sun stays out past 5 pm. just wait until the grass turns green. i'll be so happy you wont know what to do with yourselves.

i feel like i'm starting to accept that it's good to change. and it's good to be the same. i guess that's all a part of growing up?

here's to spring. and being different. the good kind of different :)

#realtalk

i am a bad dater.

i'm not afraid to admit it. i guess it's better to know that and say it outloud than pretend it "must just be all those weirdos" out there i find myself spending a few hours with here and there. they say the first step is admitting theres an issue....and usually if there is a "first step", then a second step follows, right? i'm assuming the second step is to become a better dater? except i don't really know how to do that.
either it's been really really smart or really really bad that in the past i seem to have dated my friends. friendships turned into relationships? it actually worked...for a while, until it didn't anymore. and before you ask, i have tried online dating before. it didn't end well (like worse than when i dated my friends), so i've kind of decided that i should steer clear of that. i'm not saying i'll never do it again, but for right now its just not my thing.
my most recent problem is i don't know what i want. i have so many people who want to set me up and the first question i get asked is "what are you looking for?" or "what kind of guy do you like?" great question, right? i don't have an answer.
ok, its not like i'm looking for a bum off the streets. to make it simple, i usually tell people at work who ask me:
1- he has to be a boy
2- he has to be single
3- he has to like girls (yes, i have to specify)
4- he has to be mormon
5- please let him already have his education
6- and please don't be a stick in the mud

when it comes to other things? i'm not quite sure. when i look at the people i've dated in the past, they're all different, and i'm trying really hard to never say "he's not my type" or "i would never end up with someone like that"...because without my knowing, maybe they are my type and exactly who i'll end up with.
this makes it a little difficult in my search for mr. right. how do i look when i don't really know what i'm looking for? ok, maybe that's a little extreme, but it's still easy to feel that way sometimes. i find myself meeting people or spending time with people and having a great time, but then coming home and not even knowing how i feel. do i like them? could i like them? and then talking myself out of the idea that they would ever be interested in me, so it's better for me to just leave it alone.

you'd think by 30 i'd have a nice little list of what i'm looking for and what i don't. instead this just confirms that the older i get, the less i know.

winter woes

i had plans today. and now it looks like this outside with no sign of sun:

and yeah, i'm standing on my front porch. i don't dare go much further. it snowed a bit yesterday morning, and then the sun came out and melted everything that might have been shoveled. i have high hopes that the same will happen today, but i know in my deep downs that i'll be out in an hour shoveling that stupid driveway.

this winter is a big downer. not good for the soul. and not good for my house. it seems to be falling apart. i feel bad texting my landlord because i just feel like there is more and more to fix. boo.

when you come over, you might want to use the side door. with all the snow dripping, then melting, then freezing, melting dripping, more snow...you get the idea. our front steps basically get worse every day. we've told our landlord, but only at the beginning. i feel bad telling her it's as bad as it is now--and seeing how it just keeps snowing, there's not much that can be done about it now. 

our sink is a hot mess. the faucet has been dripping for months now. our landlord bought us this beauty:

but it's just been sitting in our house. in the box. can you install a faucet? please come visit me.

we also had some old water damage that was fixed recently. its wonderful to not have a big water stain on my ceiling anymore, but we were left with this:

so much for being done with painting. now we get to repaint these stripes :)

its ok really, and we actually told our landlord that we would repaint ourselves after she offered to have someone come in. it will be major motivation for us to paint our kitchen, which is still a lovely shade of olive green. bad news for the kitchen and the stripes (ok, and the coffee table)...when it's snowing outside, the last thing i want to do it paint. in fact, i just want to sit and watch a marathon of stupid movies on the lifetime channel. 

mission blessings.

conversation at work today:

co-worker : bethany, i know you're not married because you're picky.

me : like, too picky? you're just telling me i'm picky?

cw : no, not too picky. but i know you won't shack up with the first person who tells you you're cute.

me : ok

seriously though. 

remember that one time melissa left on her mission??

weird. that girl was ready to go into the mtc. i dont think she was quite as ready to give me her computer. (remember how generous she was to literally gift me her apple computer? ps...i need someone to show me how to use it)

she was brave. she is brave. and she'll be an excellent missionary. i laid in bed last night and thought about her first day in the mtc and then i thought about all of the lives she would bless. beb has a way of connecting with people. i know that she will make long lasting friends, build binding relationships and learn eternal lessons. i'm just plain excited for her.

plus, she gifted me all of her blessings from her mission. you heard me. any blessings my family might get for her serving a mission? she said they're reserved for me. "now go find your husband and then bring him over to thailand to pick me up"  

okay, okay.....twist my arm.