Tuesday, November 27, 2012

it's about to get personal...

...i hope thats ok.

yesterday i flipped through my blog posts this past year. it didn't take long, which is when i realized i really didn't blog very much in 2012. there aren't many posts, and every post seemed like a desperate effort to "catch up".  most of the posts seemed pretty formal--hard to believe i was writing about my life for close friends and family to read.

of course i started thinking. it was on my mind most of the day, so when we had a little cousin chat last night and andrew asked what was on my mind...i accidently shared all of my thoughts. luckily, andrew and cindy are smart cousins and listened...and then gave great counsel.

i've always considered myself a pretty open book. i love for my friends and family to know the ins and outs of my life. it makes me happy to have people involved. but of course, there are those things that you don't just tell any joe schmoe on the street. once upon a time i told those things to someone. it was hard. i was vulnerable. it was scary. and then he left.

this isn't a pity party or a sob story by any means. without trying, i think i found myself shutting down. ultimately i was embarassed that i had shared things so personal with someone and then didn't see the fruits from what i thought was a big accomplishment. i had learned my lesson, and the last thing i was going to do was to share anything personal again. heaven forbid.

so there you have it. if you've asked me in the past year how things are going, i will most likely say "good". how's work? "i love it". roomates? "they are great". ward? "so fun". family? "same old same old"

lame, right? without even realizing it i was closing off. so last night chatting with cousins i decided i needed to change. i like sharing details of my life with people, but have just been afraid to do it. so let this be a warning to you. maybe just be more careful when you ask how i'm doing because i might actually tell you. and watch out, i might actually start sharing real details of my life on this blog.

just to jumpstart my new found courage to share my business.....

my sister is going on a mission. again, something you might know...but do you know how i feel about it? because i haven't really talked about it (except maybe being a little excited that she asked me to babysit her really nice computer while she's gone...which is so incredibly generous of her). i have so many mixed emotions. i'm so excited for her to go, but so nervous at the same time. nervous for her.
she's been a good friend. a good sister. and she's always a phonecall away. everytime i go home to visit my parents, she sleeps in my bed (even though she has her own room with her own bed just down the hallway). she always tickles my arm. she always tells me my hair looks cute. she always seems interested in my love life. she laughs at my jokes. she knows what i'm thinking when i make "that face" from the other side of the room. she tells me her secrets...and she makes me tell her mine. she keeps me young and hip. 
so when i guess i say i'm nervous for her, i'm actually nervous for me. nervous how i'm going to get through the next 18 months without her here. (ok, i know we'll both be fine....but still)

needless to say the next month and a half is going to be a little difficult for me. i tend to be a little emotional through the holidays anyways (i can't control it! happens with age, i guess) and then add in the fact that my sister is leaving, 2 of my brothers live far away, its cold, and christmas this year is going to be me, my parents and sweet matthew....
things aren't bad, they're just different. and thats ok. i might just cry about it from time to time :)

so there you have it folks. the new and improved beth who likes to be around people and share details of her life is back in action. i'm really glad i had my little cousin chat last night. i didn't plan to resolve and issue i was still trying to even understand existed. it's always nice to have people in my life who encourage, support and motivate me to be my best self. you are those people and i'm pretty lucky to have you around. so, faithful readers--(does anybody still even read this??) thank you. thanks for being my friend.


Katie said...

Ummm... I really love this. And I love our chats when we say how we really feel. Although I'm feeling a bit like you in that I never want to share all the secret deep stuff, ever again. Maybe I'll get over that someday, but not today. And those are my real thoughts!

PS you know how when you look at your list of blogs to read, there are the ones that you read because you're bored and it's something to do, but then there are the ones that you read first before all the other ones just because? Yours is one of those.

Jenny Alama said...

I do! I read your blog! I should be more like this too. All I do when I blog is "catch up". Lame. I like this version of Beth (well I like other versions too but this one is the best). And thank YOU for being my friend!

Ali said...